U fink you iz funny, mate?

I was at a female comedian stand up show when I found her to be incredibly annoying. So I decided to leave. At that moment she spotted me and shouted, “You leaving so soon, mate? Can handle a strong funny woman?” Not wanting to be mocked by a piss poor excuse for a comic. I said, “I’m a doctor. I’ve been called out on an emergency. Are you going to make fun of that?” The feminist comic shook her head and apologised for her snide remark. I smiled and said, “Your mother has fallen down the stairs in shock upon hearing her daughter thinks she’s some kind of talented comedian.

My friend talks about the dignity of assisted suicide. I said to him, “If you believe in assisted suicide you should cut off your own dick because the poor bastard has suffered far too much neglect already. Let him die.

I saw my friend the other day and laughed at him, “Your penis has suffered years of self-abuse and neglect by everyone except the neighbours jack Russell dog.” The dog sees it as a small friend to play with. You see the neighbours dog as a bigger brother to play with.

The only time anybody laughs at my friend trying to be funny is when I crack jokes at his expense or when his pants fall down and a Jack Russell dog chases you around the room thinking your penis is its own tail.

The only time my friend can ever be funny is when he pulls his pants down to his ankles before attempting to run in circles until he trips over his own feet and falls flat on his face.

I imagine people get an immense sense of self-satisfaction from working at the BBC and making over-indulgent TV programs that nobody wants to watch but get to do it at the British Public’s expense.

I bet BBC employees get the most smug sense of pleasure knowing they are wasting vast sums of public money every time they show up for work.

Women and Bathrooms. Mystery Solved?

I went in the women’s restroom yet I didn’t see anything in there that would want to make me hang out in crowds. But for some reason women do.

I asked my Girlfriend why she goes to the bathroom with her friends. She said, “It’s a sense of community.” I looked at her and said, “Yeah. But you’re there to piss or shit.” You do understand that, ladies? The bathroom isn’t a place to exchange cooking recipes or discuss the latest celebrity gossip. You go there to piss or shit.

I’m an independent, strong, empowered woman who don’t need no man. But I do need my group of best friends to accompany me every time I need the bathroom. So they can hold my hand and cheer me on when I go to take a shit. We women don’t need a man but without our friends we can’t take a shit by ourselves.

The only reason any person would want to go to the bathroom in groups is so they can have some kind of shitting contest. Can you imagine that? Three female best friends in the bathroom challenging each other to see who can have the loudest plop.

Woman #1: Right, ladies. Get the toilet seat in position. Knickers down. The first to poop the loudest wins. No cheating by using piss soaked toilet paper, alright? I will notice the difference between a poop plopping into the toilet bowl and some wet toilet paper.

Typical Insanity of life and deal with it.

I don’t need a smartphone. A phone is a phone. If I’m in a burning building I can still call for help without needing to play angry birds whilst doing it.

If you have an iphone and you’re in a building that’s on fire and you call 911 and the fire department tells you they’ll be arriving within 5 minutes. You’ll respond with ‘OK. I’ll play some angry birds whilst I’m waiting and change my facebook status to burning to death.‘ You might as well kick back and ask Siri to play some music. ‘Siri, can you recommend a song?‘ Siri responds, ‘How about Nelly’s popular hit, Hot in here?

Next thing you know, you’re surrounded by raging flames as your iphone blares out, ‘It’s getting hot in here. So take off all your clothes.‘ The police will then ask the firefighters after the incident. ‘Why did this gentleman die naked?‘ The firemen will have no choice but to respond, ‘Someone told him to take off all his clothes.‘ The police will be puzzled asking, ‘Why did he do that?‘ At which point the firemen will say, ‘Because it was getting hot in here.

Can you imagine if King Kong won best actor? The awards host will have to say, ‘I’m sorry but sadly King Kong couldn’t be with us today to collect his award. I know it is a very tragic accident that he fell off a building. We have truly lost a incredible acting talent and the film industry will be poorer because of it. I hope to see some positive news come out of this rather unfortunate moment by praying that New York pass some health and safety laws to prevent further repeats of these kinds of accidents. Perhaps a warning sign around skyscrapers that reads… Danger: Tall building. Do not climb.’

I heard Disney is thinking about a High school musical remake set in Colorado. It’ll be called Columbine: High school musical. They think it’ll be a huge hit with the goth crowd. Although they’re worried about the number of shots they’ll to film if each take goes wrong.

I was in San Francisco last week and I thought that place was bad. The only good thing about Washington D.C is that nobody is sh-tting on the sidewalk.

I’m sure GOD will spare San Francisco from eternal damnation if he could find at least 5 men in the city that didn’t menstruate.

When you hear people tell others to check their privilege at the door. It makes me wonder if this ‘door’ is like some kind of airport where you have to queue up for 3 hours to go through some kind of porno-scanner. Just to make sure you’re not trying to sneak in some unverified privilege that you haven’t paid import duties and Value Added Tax on.

Hollywood Nitpicking

I know what every Actress in Hollywood is like in bed. Asleep.

If you think you’re having a miserable day try being married to a Hollywood Actress.

America’s greatest president was Bill Paxton. That guy saved the entire country from Alien Invasion. My second choice would be Morgan Freeman. The first Black President to save America from an Asteroid.

In Hollywood movie reviews and press releases nobody bothers to mention the screenwriters name unless they screwed up.

What do you call an actress without a brain? Normal.

Am I saying Actresses don’t have any brains at all? I’m saying they don’t have the capacity for it.

I don’t know why anyone would want to date an Actress. 99% of them are mentally unstable and the other 1% are so messed up they’re not worth bothering with.

Hollywood is fuelled by a cocktail of drugs, sex and wreckless behaviour. Or am I thinking of the music industry?

If women want to win more awards and roles in Film and Entertainment industries maybe they should consider developing some actual talent besides whining.

Acting is hard. But acting like acting is hard, is easy.

When I was growing up male characters in movies were muscle bound guys that went round shooting people and blowing stuff up. Nowadays they just sit around crying and talking about their feelings.

Today’s superheroes are weak babies. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No… It’s over-emotional man. His super-powers include being sensitive to others people’s feelings and crying.