U fink you iz funny, mate?

I was at a female comedian stand up show when I found her to be incredibly annoying. So I decided to leave. At that moment she spotted me and shouted, “You leaving so soon, mate? Can handle a strong funny woman?” Not wanting to be mocked by a piss poor excuse for a comic. I said, “I’m a doctor. I’ve been called out on an emergency. Are you going to make fun of that?” The feminist comic shook her head and apologised for her snide remark. I smiled and said, “Your mother has fallen down the stairs in shock upon hearing her daughter thinks she’s some kind of talented comedian.

My friend talks about the dignity of assisted suicide. I said to him, “If you believe in assisted suicide you should cut off your own dick because the poor bastard has suffered far too much neglect already. Let him die.

I saw my friend the other day and laughed at him, “Your penis has suffered years of self-abuse and neglect by everyone except the neighbours jack Russell dog.” The dog sees it as a small friend to play with. You see the neighbours dog as a bigger brother to play with.

The only time anybody laughs at my friend trying to be funny is when I crack jokes at his expense or when his pants fall down and a Jack Russell dog chases you around the room thinking your penis is its own tail.

The only time my friend can ever be funny is when he pulls his pants down to his ankles before attempting to run in circles until he trips over his own feet and falls flat on his face.

I imagine people get an immense sense of self-satisfaction from working at the BBC and making over-indulgent TV programs that nobody wants to watch but get to do it at the British Public’s expense.

I bet BBC employees get the most smug sense of pleasure knowing they are wasting vast sums of public money every time they show up for work.

Women and Bathrooms. Mystery Solved?

I went in the women’s restroom yet I didn’t see anything in there that would want to make me hang out in crowds. But for some reason women do.

I asked my Girlfriend why she goes to the bathroom with her friends. She said, “It’s a sense of community.” I looked at her and said, “Yeah. But you’re there to piss or shit.” You do understand that, ladies? The bathroom isn’t a place to exchange cooking recipes or discuss the latest celebrity gossip. You go there to piss or shit.

I’m an independent, strong, empowered woman who don’t need no man. But I do need my group of best friends to accompany me every time I need the bathroom. So they can hold my hand and cheer me on when I go to take a shit. We women don’t need a man but without our friends we can’t take a shit by ourselves.

The only reason any person would want to go to the bathroom in groups is so they can have some kind of shitting contest. Can you imagine that? Three female best friends in the bathroom challenging each other to see who can have the loudest plop.

Woman #1: Right, ladies. Get the toilet seat in position. Knickers down. The first to poop the loudest wins. No cheating by using piss soaked toilet paper, alright? I will notice the difference between a poop plopping into the toilet bowl and some wet toilet paper.

How can anyone laugh at this?

I went to Starbucks in San Francisco and what did I see? Upper-middle class white dudes wearing expensive Armani suits, talking on $600 brand new iPhones whilst drinking their lattes with their pants around their ankles taking a crap on the floor.

I’d like to imagine that in 50 years time nobody will care who Taylor Swift was. But I’m sure it won’t take that long.

That’s why I love supporting female reproductive rights. If she get pregnant with a girl. We always have the option to terminate it.

Abortion helps keep the feminist population under control. If you don’t give birth to babies. You can’t have a new generation of feminists.

If you knew your daughter would grow up to be a feminist. Wouldn’t you support abortion?

Support female reproductive rights. Prevent a future Andrea Dworkin being born.

Rape is never funny until I do it.

Feminists say there’s never any excuse for rape. I can think of two. 1) She had it coming 2) she asked for it.

If any female soccer player threatens to kick you in the nuts then all you have to do is watch a typical female soccer match and remember that they’re not very good at kicking balls.

The greatest feeling a woman can get when she’s with me is the sheer unadulterated sense of relief of making it through the day without me repeatedly punching her in the face.

I don’t have any current convictions of violence against women but I came here today to try and pick some up. Never too late to start.

Rape makes me extremely angry. How dare these evil nasty men go around brutalising innocent women without asking me first to join in.

If women are going to get raped then they should have the decency to call me up so I can come over and watch.

I love my wife the most when she’s screaming her head off in agonising pain and misery.

I imagine when the French soccer team ends up playing the German soccer team in the world cup final. The French team will surrender after 6 minutes.

Feminists tell men that the future is female whilst going out their way to tell women to avoid having kids.

When I went to a job interview the other week I asked how many females worked at the company. Since I’m always looking for new rape victims to brutalise.

When I got asked at a job interview what my best skills were. I told them it was a near super human ability for sexually harassing and raping women and constantly getting away with it. I told them I wasn’t gonna say any names but I have enough victims to fill a large book.

The future is female because any money that men can make. Women can spend it twice as fast.

80% of feminists deserve to die. The other 20% deserve to die in pain.

I’d rather lick the boot of Patriarchy than kiss the ass of a feminist.

The only pronouns I’m using for you is ‘kiss my ass.‘ You either except it, leave it or kiss my ass.

Trans women are women. Trans men are just fucking delusional.

Woman: I hit my husband once. I don’t remember why. The last thing I remember after smacking him is waking up in a coma. Apparently I was out cold for 6 months.

The thing I love most about my wife is when she is as far away as possible so I don’t have to put up with her endless whiny shit.

I don’t care what women say, think, feel or do. Unless it involves me.

The bible is very inspiring. I think it’s about a bloke with a beard. If I’m not mistaken there was a movie about him at Christmas. I forget his name. It might be father something… Oh yeah. Father Christmas. That’s right. The bible is all about him. He has a birthday on December 25th. I didn’t get Father Christmas anything but he did bring me a Nintendo. Which was nice.

Being in Hollywood is so tough that all the world’s coal miners are breathing a collected sigh of relief that they didn’t end up in tinsel town.

Since the coal mine industry in Wales closed down. You have a lot of unemployed miners roaming around the streets after dark. They’d happily fuck you for a packet of cigarettes and some sweets.

Following the collapse of energy giant Enron. The corporate suits are bringing out their own brand of shampoo in order to get their money back. The slogan for it will be.. ‘Enron Shampoo. Because we’re worthless.

I can solve Climate Change for the cheapest price possible. We take $10 bill and shove it in Greta Thunberg’s mouth to shut her up. No more hot air heating the planet.

I used to work in a hospital. A man came in with an axe stuck in his head. I asked him if he had any symptoms of a headache. He told me he didn’t but instead had a bad case of constipation.

Anita Sarkeesian could save a ton of money, time and effort by doing only one video whilst still getting the same message across. She should wear a T-Shirt that reads, “Everything is Sexist. Understand?” Then she should film herself standing in front a camera waving her arms around shouting, “Look at me. I’m so important.” Same message as everything she has ever done. None of the bullshit.

I see Celebrities…. Do they see me?

I was in a supermarket and I shouted look there’s WWE wrestler John Cena. Everybody scanned round saying, “Where? Where is he?” I laughed and said, “You can’t see him. But I know he’s there.”

I walked into a women’s bathroom stark bollock naked. I told the females, “Don’t panic. Unlike WWE superstar John Cena. You can see me.”

I heard Taylor Swift wants to go back to basics with her next album. She wants it to be more personal and brutally honest. That’s why Taylor Swift will call her album, ‘Totally Shit.’

James Bond doesn’t care about women. He only wants to screw them. But in the modern movies he cares so much about women they’ve got him staying home doing their laundry. In the future films they’d have him staying home baking cookies whilst spying on his next door neighbour to discover how they get their linen so white and clean.

I like actress India Eisley. In fact saying I like India Eisley may be the biggest understatement in history. It’s like going to the arctic in the middle of winter and saying, “It’s a bit cold.

I am Katy Perry’s biggest fan. I’ve pirated every song and album she’s ever done.

Hollywood women are fierce strong feminists until the time comes when a producer gets his wallet out and pays her to take her clothes off.

I think too many people voted for a total pig in 2016 Presidential Election. That’s why I’m glad the stupid pig, Hillary Clinton lost.

Imagine being on a date with Leonardo Dicaprio and somebody pulls a gun on you. Leo would panic and run away like the soyboy wimp that he is. Meanwhile if you were on a date with Sty Stallone in his prime and someone try to do a stunt like that. He’d kick their ass and then put the gun between two slices of bread and eat it. He’d then spit the bullets out machine gun style spelling out the phase, ‘That’s all folks’ on a nearby wall.

Someone asked me, “Is the pope catholic?” I just burst out laughing. “Of course not. He’s Jewish. He wears a red suit and goes round on a sleigh chuckling, Ho Ho Ho.”

People complained about the increase in suicide after the broadcast of Netflix series, ’13 Reasons Why.’ If anyone remembers the late 90’s we had a similar problem with R-Kelly. Kids would listen to his music then jump out a window believing they could fly.

I watched the entire first series of ’13 Reasons Why’ on Netflix and I wanted to kill myself too. Not because of the dark subject matter but because it was just a really sh-tty show.

I’ve farted sounds that are more musical than Taylor Swift’s entire musical back catalogue.

I imagine Donald Trump’s toilet over the past few years has had enough of dealing with his sh-t.

If Michael Moore went to the moon he’d still gain weight.

Joss Whedon is such a pussy that if he were to be made into a washing machine. He’ll probably come with a menstruation cycle.

Typical Insanity of life and deal with it.

I don’t need a smartphone. A phone is a phone. If I’m in a burning building I can still call for help without needing to play angry birds whilst doing it.

If you have an iphone and you’re in a building that’s on fire and you call 911 and the fire department tells you they’ll be arriving within 5 minutes. You’ll respond with ‘OK. I’ll play some angry birds whilst I’m waiting and change my facebook status to burning to death.‘ You might as well kick back and ask Siri to play some music. ‘Siri, can you recommend a song?‘ Siri responds, ‘How about Nelly’s popular hit, Hot in here?

Next thing you know, you’re surrounded by raging flames as your iphone blares out, ‘It’s getting hot in here. So take off all your clothes.‘ The police will then ask the firefighters after the incident. ‘Why did this gentleman die naked?‘ The firemen will have no choice but to respond, ‘Someone told him to take off all his clothes.‘ The police will be puzzled asking, ‘Why did he do that?‘ At which point the firemen will say, ‘Because it was getting hot in here.

Can you imagine if King Kong won best actor? The awards host will have to say, ‘I’m sorry but sadly King Kong couldn’t be with us today to collect his award. I know it is a very tragic accident that he fell off a building. We have truly lost a incredible acting talent and the film industry will be poorer because of it. I hope to see some positive news come out of this rather unfortunate moment by praying that New York pass some health and safety laws to prevent further repeats of these kinds of accidents. Perhaps a warning sign around skyscrapers that reads… Danger: Tall building. Do not climb.’

I heard Disney is thinking about a High school musical remake set in Colorado. It’ll be called Columbine: High school musical. They think it’ll be a huge hit with the goth crowd. Although they’re worried about the number of shots they’ll to film if each take goes wrong.

I was in San Francisco last week and I thought that place was bad. The only good thing about Washington D.C is that nobody is sh-tting on the sidewalk.

I’m sure GOD will spare San Francisco from eternal damnation if he could find at least 5 men in the city that didn’t menstruate.

When you hear people tell others to check their privilege at the door. It makes me wonder if this ‘door’ is like some kind of airport where you have to queue up for 3 hours to go through some kind of porno-scanner. Just to make sure you’re not trying to sneak in some unverified privilege that you haven’t paid import duties and Value Added Tax on.

Go, Go, Go.. Politics, baby!

Witchcraft is a bit like socialism. No matter how many times it fails people still keep believing in it.

If you were on board a plane that was about to crash and there were only two choices for parachutes. The first one has been known to always work and the second parachute everyone believes works but has always failed. Which parachute would you choose? You pick the first one, right? After all you wouldn’t jump out a plane to save yourself from death by choosing the second parachute thinking to yourself, ‘It’ll probably work this time. I’m sure of it.‘ The first parachute is capitalism. The second parachute is communism. A modern parable for our times.

What’s Hillary Clinton’s favourite food? Sour grapes.

What’s Hillary Clinton’s favourite hobby? Losing.

If you’re looking at current trends and current data you’re no different to Neville Chamberlain declaring ‘peace in our life time.‘ We all know what happened after that.

Feminist science wouldn’t produce anything of any worth except endless contradictions of themselves and the facts.

If women have been oppressed then they can’t be that smart.

All I see is weakness and confusion. World conditions are ripe for a strong man to seize control and take the reins of power.

I’m not a satanist but I imagine they indirectly worship me. After all, who’s more evil then me?

Feminists are authoritarians who want to control everything but lack the physical strength to do it. So they need to employ the force of men through the legal system and politics in order to coerce the rest of the population to bend to their will.

Every time I got angry about feminist BS, double standards and hatred. I ended up winding myself up and became frustrated. I realised by doing that it means they were winning. So I stopped allowing myself to become so angry because I figured the best way to stand a chance of victory is by making sure your opponent doesn’t have any wins over you.

I lack the shallow egotism that allows me to succeed in modern politics.

These days if you’re going to be beautiful and successful. You need to be a shallow, self-serving, egotistical and full of sh-t.

Women so good…

I wouldn’t describe women as people since that makes them seem important.

I didn’t get to be where I am today by treating women with respect. I got to be so damn good because I trampled on women and rubbed their pretty faces in the dirt.

Women are mere toys to be disposed of when men get bored playing with them.

Every female death is a tragedy. Every male death is just another statistic.

Women have the world wrapped around their little finger. There’s nothing we can do but nod along and obey.

I know women want to ride me like they ride their favourite dildo.

I’ve got the greatest gift any women could ask for: My penis.

Women’s soccer I’m afraid is neither entertaining or profitable.

Women should look themselves in the mirror and repeat, “It’s not my fault I’m inferior. It’s nature’s fault.”

I noticed that women have 3 holes in their bodies. If they enter into deep water I’m worried they’re going to sink.

Any man that is deaf, blind and stupid then I’d recommend being married to an American woman since it’ll be martial bliss.

What’s a higher or more noble goal than curing all disease? Writing the greatest all female action movie of all time. On one hand curing all diseases will save billions of lives but writing the greatest female action movie of all time would allow the entire world to see how good women are. To see how much women can excel and succeed in just a mere two hours of action and plot sequences. Surely that has to be the most noble goal of all time.

As a woman how ’bout I get you excited and rock hard? Then I’ll cut your dick off, nail it to a wall then force you to blow it. Then you’ll think twice before sexually harassing me.

I typed ‘stupid cow blowing donkey dick‘ into google and the only result I got was Taylor Swift.

I don’t create dumb women. That’s feminism’s job.

Feminists aren’t oppressed by patriarchy, capitalism or a culture of misogyny. They’ll actually only oppressed by their own delusional thoughts.

Hollywood Nitpicking

I know what every Actress in Hollywood is like in bed. Asleep.

If you think you’re having a miserable day try being married to a Hollywood Actress.

America’s greatest president was Bill Paxton. That guy saved the entire country from Alien Invasion. My second choice would be Morgan Freeman. The first Black President to save America from an Asteroid.

In Hollywood movie reviews and press releases nobody bothers to mention the screenwriters name unless they screwed up.

What do you call an actress without a brain? Normal.

Am I saying Actresses don’t have any brains at all? I’m saying they don’t have the capacity for it.

I don’t know why anyone would want to date an Actress. 99% of them are mentally unstable and the other 1% are so messed up they’re not worth bothering with.

Hollywood is fuelled by a cocktail of drugs, sex and wreckless behaviour. Or am I thinking of the music industry?

If women want to win more awards and roles in Film and Entertainment industries maybe they should consider developing some actual talent besides whining.

Acting is hard. But acting like acting is hard, is easy.

When I was growing up male characters in movies were muscle bound guys that went round shooting people and blowing stuff up. Nowadays they just sit around crying and talking about their feelings.

Today’s superheroes are weak babies. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No… It’s over-emotional man. His super-powers include being sensitive to others people’s feelings and crying.

Conversations with Women…

Some times I hang around bars and clubs looking for women to chat up. Things can go well for me or they can go terribly pear-shaped.

Woman: Hi. You look cute. Can you buy me a drink?

PoisonEQ: Why stop there? Why not ask me to buy you a diamond necklace and a ferrari?

Woman: Stop being sarcastic…

PoisonEQ: From this point onwards I’ll be known as Satire.

Woman: Forget it.

PoisonEQ: Forget what?

Woman: Nothing.

PoisonEQ: Never met him.

Woman: (sarcastic) Ha! Ha! Very funny.

PoisonEQ: What is?

Woman: (rolling eyes) Nothing.

PoisonEQ: Why is he here? Can I meet him? He seems like a funny fellow. I don’t think I’ve met him before but if I have I’ve probably forgotten.