I see Celebrities…. Do they see me?

I was in a supermarket and I shouted look there’s WWE wrestler John Cena. Everybody scanned round saying, “Where? Where is he?” I laughed and said, “You can’t see him. But I know he’s there.”

I walked into a women’s bathroom stark bollock naked. I told the females, “Don’t panic. Unlike WWE superstar John Cena. You can see me.”

I heard Taylor Swift wants to go back to basics with her next album. She wants it to be more personal and brutally honest. That’s why Taylor Swift will call her album, ‘Totally Shit.’

James Bond doesn’t care about women. He only wants to screw them. But in the modern movies he cares so much about women they’ve got him staying home doing their laundry. In the future films they’d have him staying home baking cookies whilst spying on his next door neighbour to discover how they get their linen so white and clean.

I like actress India Eisley. In fact saying I like India Eisley may be the biggest understatement in history. It’s like going to the arctic in the middle of winter and saying, “It’s a bit cold.

I am Katy Perry’s biggest fan. I’ve pirated every song and album she’s ever done.

Hollywood women are fierce strong feminists until the time comes when a producer gets his wallet out and pays her to take her clothes off.

I think too many people voted for a total pig in 2016 Presidential Election. That’s why I’m glad the stupid pig, Hillary Clinton lost.

Imagine being on a date with Leonardo Dicaprio and somebody pulls a gun on you. Leo would panic and run away like the soyboy wimp that he is. Meanwhile if you were on a date with Sty Stallone in his prime and someone try to do a stunt like that. He’d kick their ass and then put the gun between two slices of bread and eat it. He’d then spit the bullets out machine gun style spelling out the phase, ‘That’s all folks’ on a nearby wall.

Someone asked me, “Is the pope catholic?” I just burst out laughing. “Of course not. He’s Jewish. He wears a red suit and goes round on a sleigh chuckling, Ho Ho Ho.”

People complained about the increase in suicide after the broadcast of Netflix series, ’13 Reasons Why.’ If anyone remembers the late 90’s we had a similar problem with R-Kelly. Kids would listen to his music then jump out a window believing they could fly.

I watched the entire first series of ’13 Reasons Why’ on Netflix and I wanted to kill myself too. Not because of the dark subject matter but because it was just a really sh-tty show.

I’ve farted sounds that are more musical than Taylor Swift’s entire musical back catalogue.

I imagine Donald Trump’s toilet over the past few years has had enough of dealing with his sh-t.

If Michael Moore went to the moon he’d still gain weight.

Joss Whedon is such a pussy that if he were to be made into a washing machine. He’ll probably come with a menstruation cycle.

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